a struggle.

this is one of those posts that i almost didn’t even write … because who wants to read posts that aren’t happy and fluffy?  but, sometimes i just feel the need to get things out … and this is one of these times.

i have been on anti-anxiety medication for many years.  i had some anxiety issues when i was in college but then kind of lost my grasp on whatever hold i had left on myself  when i got engaged to my first husband.  not sure what caused it (well, ok, i probably do …)  … but i had my first panic attack and landed in the hospital because i thought i was having a heart attack.  enter my first bout with medication.

once i was married, i was able to deal again and stopped taking my medication.  but then once that marriage began to fall apart, i got very sick and very depressed and very anxious again.  so i was put on another medication along with a long stint in therapy.

it took a lot of time … and a lot of bible reading (i didn’t really care for the therapy i was in … and spent a lot of time either letting the medicine just carry me through … or reading every Christian self-help book and bible verse i got my hands on) … and it took a relationship with a man who loved me and was patient with me and who held my hand through my darkest times … convincing me i wasn’t beyond help or too broken … to get me back on track.

and now … we want to grow our family.  after speaking with several of my doctors, there was no way i was going to take the chance of getting pregnant and growing a life while on this medication.  these medications are so new that there really isn’t any solid evidence on what could happen to a life while taking this medication.  some doctors say that you have to weigh the pros and cons … meaning i could be so crazy without medication that it would be worth the risk to the baby to stay on the medicine.

after a lot of thought, a lot of research … and some strong words from my amazing ob/gyn … i decided i needed to at least try to get off the medicine … try to be off of it for as long as it took to have a family.  then, if i was absolutely crazy, i could go back on it then.  :)  but, here’s hoping that i wasn’t that crazy. :)

so, for the last few months, i’ve been following a stepping down program.  and, let me tell you … this is one of THE HARDEST things i’ve ever had to do.  the feelings of nausea, dizziness, wooziness, sleepiness, and over-all yuck that i feel each time i step down is awful.  i was on a very high dosage so this process has been going on for awhile … and these awful withdrawal symptoms level me for at least a week.

but!

i am happy to report that i am officially off!  i took my last dose almost a week ago.  this has been a very tough week for me … the symptoms hit me pretty hard.  aside from my necessary job and the most basic of housekeeping and cooking … i’ve been prone on the couch or in bed.

and, as horrible as all this withdrawl has been … there has been no anxiety!  no panic attacks!  even when i convinced myself i was dying after a series of tests the doctor ordered (long story … ) i was anxious … but functional.  no attacks, no depression.

the biggest difference i’ve noticed was that i was crying again at commercials and tv shows … something i have always done … but stopped once i was on the medication.  now, whenever i see that Google Chrome commercial where the dad writes his baby girl emails everyday starting  the day she was born … yeah, well, it gets me every time.  :)

i am frustrated, however.  these withdrawal periods are killing me because i just don’t have the energy or feel good enough to craft!  and a day without making or working on something just feels like a bit of a waste!!!  i have not really been productive for over a week … since last week when we lost power for 4 days after our halloween snow storm … then the power came on and i got sick … and now this.  bleh.

but … i am free of this medicine … and i plan on doing everything in my power to not go back on it.  and … hopefully there is only a few more days of this sick feeling and then i will be back in crafting action.  it’s november, you know.  SO MANY things to make for the holidays!!!!!

thanks for reading, if you made it this far … :)

here’s to healthiness … and babies. :)