Messy.

While writing this post, I would reread it and wonder if I should post it. I mean, I know my close friends and family know I’m neurotic but, this is laying things pretty bare. That’s a scary thing … and I’m pretty embarrassed by my list of anxieties and worries and perceived inadequacies. But, maybe it’ll make things a bit more manageable to lay bare my brain. A good starting point to a brain overhaul. Maybe it will help someone else along the way. Maybe it will encourage me along the way as well. So … here goes nothing.

I’m in a total world funk. And my usual way of dealing with that is sleep and eat cookies. But these coping mechanisms are just putting me deeper into this funk. And I seem to be spending way more time in this funk than I’ve ever spent before … and having a terrible time climbing out. Something needs to change.

I no longer take medicine for anxiety and depression. This causes me anxiety. I stopped taking this medicine so Dave and I could start a family. I have not gotten pregnant yet. This causes me depression. I have a severe thyroid problem that has yet to be regulated. I am often achey, tired, lethargic. I’ve steadily gained weight over the last few years. I dislike most active activities and any type of food that is remotely healthy. This weight gain depresses me and then the depression freezes me from doing anything to fix the problem. Because I’m ready for the next avenue of my life – motherhood – I feel like I’m just tapping my foot until it happens. Biding my time. This makes me impatient at work and life … and I feel like I’m marking time in my daily life. Then I think about all the time I’m wasting, I get anxious and depressed, I eat cookies, I get more depressed, I curl up in the fetal position on the couch. I think about all these things and start to feel like a complete failure at life and a disappointment to my husband, my family and my coworkers. This adds yet another layer of frustration, anxiety and depression.

I then wonder why I feel more burdened and depressed and anxious then I did since my divorce.

I could go on. There are about 800 other things I worry and stress about. I feel like I can’t keep up with my house. It’s disorganized, there’s pet hair everywhere, I don’t cherish it and care for it like I always imagined I would. I have neither the talent nor the time and resources to start a crafting business. Will we have the money for me to stay at home with our future children? What if I’m too neurotic to be a mom? What if i can’t get pregnant? Etc … Etc …

This is literally what swims around my brain on a daily basis. It’s … exhausting to say the least. To me and those around me. And scary to admit that I’m this neurotic (what will people say??). But I’ve been stuck deep in this loop for months … and I’m having a heck of a time climbing out.

So … how does one fix one’s life? How does one climb out from under an entire world of anxieties and worries and self-imposes rules that I could never measure up to?

Well, today, once I’m home from work, I’m going for a walk.

I’ve often heard that if you are in poor health physically, you’ll be in poor health mentally. So, let’s start by getting my blood flowing. I’m not setting weight loss goals. I’m not buying diet books or starting any type of structured plan. Because I do that, I don’t live up to the expectations, I feel like a failure and then stop. So my only goal is, every day, do something that gets my heart beating a bit. A walk with Maisie, an exercise video, something that involves movement. Then, once I start that, and get a semi-regular routine going, then maybe I can introduce something else.

I don’t know if this is a good place to start. I know I’ve said before that I am going to try this, and I’ve failed or lost steam. But I just know that right now, even though I have a zillion things in my life to be thankful for, I feel pretty joyless. And that is so unfortunate and sad. So maybe this will be the first step in the right direction?

Lord help me!!!!